Permission to Feel by Marc Brackett

Author:Marc Brackett
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Celadon Books

Cognitive-reframing strategies

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so,” says Hamlet. That idea is the basis for our fourth, most sophisticated, intellectually engaged method of emotion regulation—cognitive-reframing strategies, better known in the research literature as reappraisal.

In a sense, this can be seen as an offshoot of cognitive behavioral therapy, in which people are encouraged to seek alternate ways of viewing their difficulties as a path to coming into balance with them.

For our purposes, we use reappraisal as a way to reimagine or reframe whatever is triggering an emotional experience and then react instead to that new interpretation.

Here’s an example. You come down to breakfast, say good morning to your partner, and are met with a surly look instead of the usual warm greeting. If your first reaction is that you did nothing to deserve such rudeness, you may hold a grudge all day (or at least until dinner). You may even respond in kind, which will only perpetuate the foul mood in the air.

Instead, you could pause and consider alternate reasons for what just happened. Maybe she’s anxious about something she’s afraid to talk to you about? Perhaps he’s furious about a work interaction that had nothing to do with you but has left him humiliated and hurt? Those possibilities might remind you that she or he is never this rude under normal circumstances, and suddenly you’re feeling empathetic and wondering how you can help. And in that fashion, your emotional response has been regulated, to the benefit of all.

The basic principles of reframing are that we consciously choose to view a situation in a way that generates the least negative emotion in us or we attempt to take the perspective of the person who is activating you and assume the best intention. For example, if a clerk is rude and dismissive, we could think, This guy is being a jerk to me, or, He obviously has a real problem with women, or, Maybe he thinks I don’t have enough money to shop here—all of which would make you at least indirectly responsible for his behavior. With reframing, we might think instead, This guy must really hate his job, or, I wonder if he’s just gotten bad news—both of which might turn your bruised ego into feelings of compassion or even curiosity.

The goal of reframing isn’t only to regulate bruised feelings. You could be a teacher on your first day at a new school and the faculty meeting leaves you crestfallen—the teachers all seem so inexperienced and ill prepared. Instead of despairing, you could view this as a chance to mentor younger colleagues and have an impact on the entire school and come away excited instead of depressed.

Here’s an example from an experiment conducted with employees at a large financial institution. Over the course of a week, one group of workers was shown videos about the harmful effects of stress—bad for health, detrimental to job performance, an obstacle to learning and growth. A second group of

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